Embrace the Darkness

"...Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." – Stephen King

I wrote the other day of the problem that so many have when attempting to reconcile our instinctual nature with the moral systems of organized religions. My belief is that in everything we do, choice is the deciding factor.

The First Credo in my Philosophical approach is:

One must acknowledge his animalistic feelings are healthy and acceptable. It is the choices you make in acting upon those feelings by which you will be judged.

Choice is the single most important factor in evaluating the actions of an individual. One of the greatest gifts that we possess as humans is the ability, and the inherent right, to choose. It is a very simple concept. You get to make a choice, every day and for every situation, deciding how you will respond to the world around you.

This leads us to the Second Credo:

Your actions and emotional responses to thoughts, or events are a choice.

The choices you make, in response to events that impact you, or the way you are treated are 100% with in your control. You can choose to relinquish control over your thoughts and your emotions by allowing yourself to react to the things that others do or say, but that is a choice. Rather than react we as individuals need to respond to the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" in a thoughtful and constructive manner.

At some point in each of our lives we have heard a friend, lover, parent or partner say, "You make me feel (fill in emotion)!" We each have probably said it ourselves. The reality is that no one can make us, nor can we make anyone else, feel a particular emotion. I can MAKE you feel pain if I pick up a baseball bat and hit you in the head. I can't make you feel worthless as a person. You choose to feel hurt or sad or worthless based upon the credence you give the words and actions of someone else. You relinquish a tremendous amount of personal power when you allow others to hold sway over you like that.

Of course, individuals are capable of saying things that are triggers for our personal hurts or insecurities. If my partner says, "You're a terrible father" I may begin to question my abilities as a parent. I may doubt the way in which I am raising my son. However that person hasn't made me feel like a bad father, they have simply said something which has flipped the on switch for one of my insecurities. I have chosen to react to by doubting myself. How can I respond though in a more effective, and beneficial way?

I don't react to the emotion of the moment; I pause, I consider and I respond in a thoughtful and emotionally neutral way. I may ask, "Why do you think I'm a terrible father." I may believe that the real issue is not my parenting because of my clear understanding of myself and instead ask, "Saying I'm a terrible father is mean spirited, are you trying to hurt me? Why?" Either of these responses keeps me from being wrapped up in the emotional assault and attempt to get to the heart of the matter. At other times I have found silence to be the best option. Just ignore the other person's silly bull-shit. The idea is that you are in control of you. You can choose to not be bothered.

Some people may be thinking as the read this, "Well that sounds good, but my partner is always being mean." Okay, why do you choose to stay with him or her then? It is your choice. Even if someone is holding a loaded weapon to your head and threatening to kill you if you do not do (fill in the blank), it is your choice. You may not like the options in front of you, but in all but the rarest of circumstances you have a choice. You are choosing to stay in a relationship with someone who is insensitive, mean spirited or just a jerk. Why? Well, usually we stay in unhealthy or emotionally damaging relationships because we do not feel worthy of the healthy alternative. We may say, "She's a bitch, I deserve better" or "God, he's just an idiot," but we have the ability to end that relationship. We choose not to. Why is it that we do not readily acknowledge our right to choose when it comes to "I have to…" or "You make me feel…"? I believe that there are two main reasons.

First, it is easier to blame someone else for our failing than to examine how we are culpable. We don't want to be responsible; we don't want to get in trouble. Think of the child who runs after unintentionally breaking a window. He is trying to avoid the pain that comes with being culpable for his actions. In dealing with our actions as adults it is less painful to blame our failings or misdeeds on the influence of others than it is to acknowledge our choice. If it is our choice then the buck stops with us. That is a heavy weight to bear and one that requires considerable strength of character and a tremendous amount of self esteem.

Second, most people do not have the knowledge of themselves to be able to truly understand why they make the choices they do. Many people do not own the fractured pieces of their self, of their subconscious which bring about the emotions that serve as the triggers for thoughts and actions. You must know yourself to be the best possible you. To own your self often means delving into the painful, darker corners of our experience and our soul to understand why we think and feel the things we do. You must find the shadow self, the occulted aspects of yourself that are so difficult, so painful, that you hide them from yourself.  This is hard; it is challenging and often requires the help of trained counselors, coaches or therapists in order to provide perspective and a safety net during the discovery. It must be done though in order for us to progress

So, in order for us to be able to fulfill the Second Credo:

Your actions and emotional responses to thoughts or events are a choice.

We must develop the skills to own our choices by owning "who" we are and how we have become that person. Some of those choices we made long before we could understand that we had a choice: events of our childhood, good or bad, that helped shape the foundation of the adults we have become. You have a choice how you will respond to those things in the now. Will you continue to react as though you have no choice?

We must accept our culpability for the choices we make and the impact that our behaviors can have on others. The only way to develop the strength of spirit and sense of self worth needed to acknowledge one's responsibility and culpability is through knowing oneself. This brings us to the Third Credo. They are not my words, but a quote that I live my life by:

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." – Carl G. Jung

There is darkness with-in all of us. We have all experienced insults and injuries on the physical, emotional and mental fronts which have left us the scarred and battle weary travelers of life's roads. That is pain we must revel in. That pain, that experience, reminds us that we are alive. Often times I walk along the lake front, down in the surf zone, where the waves break across the shore. I delight in the feeling of the rocks under my bare feet. I know that the pain I was feeling was making my feet stronger. Another analogy is the old-time exercise mantra "No Pain-No Gain". When you are striving to be physically fit you will suffer. The suffering is good. The aches and soreness are signs that muscle is growing, bones are getting denser, and that you're mental toughness is increasing. Remember the Navy SEAL mantra: The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday.

That's the essence of Jung's statement, which I live so much of my life by. We can only grow and become the best people possible by digging inside of ourselves and uncovering the pain. We need to rip away the emotional scabs that are keeping us from getting to the real issues.

I don't think that the Third Credo needs much more elaboration, I believe that it is an understanding that one must find for oneself. Just know, that no matter how much it hurts, or how challenging it is, that you will be a better person. I've spoken so far of three credos:

One must acknowledge his animalistic feelings are healthy and acceptable. It is the choices you make in acting upon those feelings by which you will be judged.

Your actions and emotional responses to thoughts or events are a choice.

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

Once you really are able to embrace these Credo's, once you have gone down the road of self discovery and self awareness, then you can begin to make the next step.

Life is monstrous.

All life exists by consuming other life, but it is only through knowledge and acceptance of the monstrous nature of life that we can being to accept all that upsets us as natural: war, famine, death… these are all perfectly normal elements of the human condition. Parents watch their children die; children grow up with out knowing the love they need and rightly deserve to help develop them as normal people; we loose family member to conflict or tragedy. These conditions tax each of us to come to grips with a new reality, but the reality is that the randomness, the pain and the challenge are normal.

There is darkness all around us. It can be pervasive at times in our lives. We only truly set ourselves up for failure when we imagine that this darkness is something abnormal, something that "isn't fair." Like Wesley's statement in The Princess Bride, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says different is selling something."

You must choose to embrace the darkness. By knowing the darkness of your life you can begin the transformative quest of becoming enlightened.

 

 

Death & Dying…

"Have the courage to live. Anyone can die." – Robert Cody

Obviously with everything approaching in our lives Heather and I have spent quite a bit of time of later thinking about death. I'd say it has been the undercurrent of our conversations ever sense we met. We knew from our very first date that we both have spent plenty of time gambling with our lives. The "Gift" of Cancer that I talked about is the gift of knowing that you are mortal. For me it is the "gift" of knowing that any given day could be my last. I have held the dead and the dying in my hands. I have watched the life ebb out of people and considered it an honor to be there in those moments. Sometimes I may have been less than reverent, but that dark-humor is a way of dealing with the grief that you feel when a fellow person goes into the great beyond.

A ways back a friend of mine was dealing with the death of her grandfather, understandably it was challenging for her. Loosing someone you love is never easy, and the emotions that come forth are challenging and difficult and confusing. I gave her my take on death and dying over the last few weeks as she prepared for that difficult transition. As I was looking back through my blogs and writing I stumbled upon these words and thought they were worth revisiting. It is something I want to share. You never know when you're going to confront this, but we all know somewhere in the back of our mind that we will.

Death is inevitable. The old adage of "You can't get out of life alive," is trite when you hear it, but it is true. So, why are we so scared of death? The obvious reason seems to be a natural fear of the unknown. We are raised with certain beliefs: Heaven and Hell; Reincarnation or Nirvana; Nothingness or Complete Unity with the Universe, but there is no proof. Every major religion has spent time trying to "prove" their mythology of an immortal soul because as people we are terrified of there not being something after this.

I think that fear comes from people who are unable to accept that this may be their one and only shot. Think about it, what would you be doing differently with your life today if you knew 100% that when you died that the electrochemical energy that drove your brain would dissipate and you would just fade into nothingness and once those capacitors in your brain were drained of their reserves of oxygen and sugar? Would you be setting aside time to work on that novel you've always wanted to write? Would you quit working so fucking hard at selling real estate and spend a few more days with your kids a month? Would you say, "Fuck this I'm going to party like a rockstar?" What would you do different?

So, I ask you… why are you taking the risk? If there is something more after this great, but the creative source of the universe put in motion the events that have brought us here to this point today. Why are we waiting for a better tomorrow? Seize the moments you have.

A few years ago a friend of mine from "Church" (church at the time was Chicago Street Pub in Joliet) was murdered after "services". The last time I saw John he had finished having a drink with friends listening to music he enjoyed in a place he felt at home at. He didn't know that he was going to walk into the middle of a burglary and get beaten to death. None of us knew it… and each of us reacted differently. Ben was just glad that as the last person to see him he gave John a smile and hand shake; Kelly was glad she'd given him a hug; Shoes wished he'd come down that night. The fact of the matter is you never know when that last moment is going to come.

I live a life that regularly places me in situations where I may not come home from work. I love my job. I love the thrill of it, and I know that at any moment I may not get out alive. February 11^th 1998, my friend, Tony Lockhart of the Chicago Fire Department Engine Company 120 died in a fire at 106^th and Western Ave. I was there. I was at the wakes for Tony and Pat King (who died at the same fire), I was at the funerals. I wake up everyday knowing that I may die today, whether it is in some fiery hell-hole in the suburbs of Chicago or teaching a class of recruits at the tower in Champaign. I put my body in situations that are just screaming to get me killed. People ask me why I do it, and my answer is always this: 1. I like to help people. There is something satisfying about being there to help your fellow man when he or she is at their worst; 2. There is nothing more satisfying to a man's soul than taking on the elemental forces of nature and kicking its ass. You feel powerful and capable of doing anything; 3. Chicks dig it. That's always been my stock punch-line to get a laugh out of a serious moment. The excitement and thrill and adulation are nice, it is a grand experience, but I also have had to come to grips with the frailty of my own life. I have had moments where I though, "Oh, okay… so we are about to see what's on the other side." I think once you have lived through that you change your out look.

Death is not something I fear, because it is not something I can escape or avoid. I will die. It's actually a liberating realization. Much like the adage attributed to the Native Americans preparing for battle saying "Today is a good day to die." Once I knew that death was a certainty then there was nothing holding me back I decided to attack life with gusto. Why not party like a Rockstar? Why not write my screenplays and this Blog? Why not spend as much time with Liam as possible? Why not hop in the car and drive an hour to see our nieces? What could possibly keep me from doing those things? There are nights I sleep about 4 hours because there is so much living to do that I don't want to miss out. There are nights that jump into bed at ten, with Heather, to make sure I don't miss out on that embrace, that warmth, that sense of being safe and loved. I accept that my body may be sore some mornings or that I may be a bit tired. Living a purpose-filled life isn't as easy on the body at 33 as it was at 23; it will likely be harder in another ten years and harder yet ten more years on. That's fine; the wonderful thing about pain is that it reminds you, you're alive.

Let's get back into life. You need to learn who you are and do the things you want to do. What are you afraid of? If you always wanted to go skydiving… fucking go! If you get hit by a bus tomorrow, what will it have mattered if you took that sick day to go party?

Life is your choice. You can be timid and meek or you can go out and attack the world around you, own every room you enter and when it is your time there will be millions of people around the world who think of you and smile.

When I die I want those people who care enough to think of me to descend on Chicago with one purpose: Celebrate my Life. You can think back on playing Dungeons & Dragons with me. Remember being part of one of the countless Theatre productions I worked on. You can be sad that you wont get to do another Irish Car Bomb with me, but don't forget about the one's we did. You can miss watching those years when my eyes would narrow and my whole body engage when that Blond-9 walked by, but don't forget laughing at me every time I came back after crashing and burning on the approach. Remember most of all the unconditional love I shared with the most amazing woman in the world. It's going to be hard for Heather when she puts me in the ground, or up on the mantle (I hope many years from now), but she will know as I do that we celebrated and danced each day. Our meaning of life has been the experience of being alive. There is no greater Bliss!

When I die I want the old three-day Irish Wake. I want to be laid out in the living room. I want a band playing Irish rebel tunes. I want the Guinness and Jameson to flow. I want every person there to tell a story about me, raise a glass and say "He was a great friend." And at some point during the evening I want the band to strike up a chorus of "Finnegan's Wake" and when the row and the ruction begins pour that water of life on me and let's see just what the healing properties of Uisce Beatha really are.

Once upon a time…

That's the way most stories begin right? The best stories being with, "A Long Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away…" but a bard far greater than I holds the copyright on that and the last thing I care to do is bring down George Lucas' wrath upon me.

We will go with once upon a time, though, to tell this story. I was raised Catholic and spent twelve years in Catholic schools. That experience was a good one for me. I was an altar boy, and went to mass, and for awhile gave thought to the Priesthood. Then I discovered the joys of the opposite sex and the Priesthood went out the window. Then I became enthralled with history and theology (as opposed to the "Religion" class I had most of my life) and began to see that there was more than one way to experience the grace of divinity.

Over the course of the last 15 years I have been on a spiritual and philosophical quest to define who I am in relation to the universe. I've pretty well got it within my grasp now and feel like it's time to start really sharing my discoveries of literature, spirituality, philosophy and life with those who care to listen. Much like any writer I bid you to follow and enjoy, but I will say this: I am not here to entertain a debate. You can read and think and ponder on my musings or you can chose not to. If you feel like you want to criticize me, you can leave. If you want to ask a legitimate question I will try to answer it. If you ask me what I perceive to be some kind of loaded bull-shit question I will mock you or ignore you, or mock and ignore you. Forewarned is forearmed.

The thoughts below were first published back in 2006 on a blog I maintained on MySpace. I've taken the time to update a bit and want to share with you the starting point in what can best be described at my philosophy, my way, my Dao.

The limitless source of the universe, the creative energy from which all of existence has spring, has placed me upon this earth to reach out to people. To explain the undercurrents of human interaction, and provide those souls seeking enlightenment with a perspective that may be of some help as they strive to expand their understanding of the world. This charge is a weighty one; I take the calling of divine inspiration to be a most serious cause. It is one that in order to avoid offending the great scholars and educators who have come before me I must commit the resources of my some times weary mind to with a rigorous intention.

There is an imbalance in this world. We are taught by our religions, our schools, our guardians and our mentors that we should strive to live a life of Virtue. Virtue is defined as "Moral excellence and righteousness; goodness". That is a wonderful sentiment, but there is a problem with it. There is a lack of balance in this definition. No one person can be "good" all of the time. We all experience feelings of hate, jealousy, selfishness, greed, sloth, lust and a whole host of human emotions that are sad to be "bad". They are not bad. Feeling lustful is not bad. Feeling hate is not bad. These are emotions that the creative source placed in us; so why is it "wrong" to feel them? The celebrated author, and man of letters, Samuel Longhorn Clemens in his writings as Mark Twain expounded upon this very point in his work Letters from the Earth. Think upon my point gentle reader before dismissing me.

The limitless source of the universe, by whatever name you call it brought about the conditions under which we have come into existence as we know it today. So, isn't it ludicrous to believe that that same grace would then condemn the very creatures which live lives based upon the desires it has imbued us with? Ah, the dilemma posed by the most common of religions. You must reject you very nature in order to find God's divine grace. Can't you hear them now: "Jesus died for your sins."

Really? Did he now? Well then, I should be good right? I can go forth and behave in the manner of Caligula or Nero or even El Supremo and "binge drink and fornicate" to my heart's content. I'm already saved. Thank goodness. I hear the argument now… "No, no, you must continue to live in the example the Jesus set for you!"

Oh, I'm supposed to work as a carpenter, live at home with mom till I'm thirty, and go out drinking with the boys the night before the cops pick me up and put me to death? It sounds like Jesus was a member of the IRA living in occupied Ireland to me, and I can live up to that example. The image of Jesus as the risen Christ, the savior of mankind and the holy son of a virgin birth is a construct of Paul. It is the view of a gentile with political aspirations who needed to set in motion a religion which would give his political aims justification. He succeeded by stealing some of the best parts of Zoroastrianism, melding it with Jewish teachings of a coming Messiah, and the continued lineage of King David. I applaud him for his creation of a faith which has been so incredibly successful in gathering adherents and in looting, plundering and dominating the globe for centuries. Why is it though that people do not see what Paul created for what it is?

The first reason that our view of Christianity can be said to be "clouded" is because we are so removed from the origin of the Christian faith that it is nearly impossible to relate to the circumstances and political climate of the time. The historical facts of the times are rarely presented without portraying the early Christians as having finally overcome their Pagan/Heathen oppressors through the Divine Inspiration of God and the acts of Martyrs. History is written by the winners. Secondly, Paul attached a very definitive reason for belief: hell. The idea of going to heaven or going to hell would certainly have been of even greater concern to man of the year 100c.e. than to the man of 2006. Why would this be? Modern man has become nearly immune to the "superstitions" that our early Christian era ancestors believed to be fact. We tend to be skeptical of that which science can not demonstrate to us, which is why half of us still can't figure out if we are supposed to eat eggs or not. Despite our tendency as a species to question the literal existence of heaven and hell, we have a cultural archetype that has been imprinted on the bulk of western society which still ties us to the concept of divinity as being dualistic and centered on the ideas of "Good" and "Evil". But, we must ask ourselves: what is evil?

We are animalistic creatures. We are here to engage in behaviors which will further our genetic code. That is the essence of our biology and the most basic building blocks of our DNA; we exist to recreate ourselves and further our clan. We are supposed to breed, carry heavy shit, hunt and gather, and generally behave the same as the cavemen did. That is the underlying potential energy stored in our genetic code. All the other "rules" we have come up with to structure societies have been a construct of men and at times in direct contradiction to our own natural impulses. We have in the last 2000 years developed some ridged social structures that are based upon social convention, politics and a need for human interaction to not lead to open warfare on a daily basis. So the first and most important credo of my philosophy is this;

One must acknowledge his animalistic feelings are healthy and acceptable. It is the choices you make in acting upon those feelings by which you will be judged.

Choice is the single most important factor in evaluating the actions of an individual.

 

 

Duty

"Duty is the most sublime word in our language. Do your duty in all things. You cannot do more. You should never wish to do less." - Robert E. Lee

 

The wonderful thing about having a birthday is getting to revel in the fact that you have persevered and can celebrate another year of life. As someone who considers myself to be a semi-functional writer it also gives me a chance to pontificate about the things I think are important. I sat down to write this yesterday with a lot of thoughts on my mind and deleted it because I felt, "Who the hell cares what I have to say?" That's a pretty common thought for me as a writer. I realize that there is certain arrogance in thinking that anyone else actually cares what my thoughts may be. However, I have no way of knowing if I am going to say something that changes one person for the better, so I better use the talents that I seem to have and put down a few thoughts when I have them. Maybe if nothing else they will offer Liam something to look back on when I have shuffled off this mortal coil to help round out his understanding of the lessons I've been trying to impart. You never know how many birthdays you have.

I have always loved my birthday. When I was younger, like 30, it was about adoration and presents and people paying attention to me. No one spends eighty percent of their life writing and trying to be published if they want to be obscure. I've come to realize that there is something bigger worth celebrating; there is a certain triumph in the act of perseverance. I posted a quote of Nietzsche awhile back that I truly love, "That which does not break my back makes me stronger." I like that at 33 I am hitting my stride. I've been thrown challenges, and continue to face some monumental ones, but I have also known victory, triumph, love, and the supreme joy that comes from persevering. Teddy Roosevelt is one of my heroes. He was a man who dreamed huge dreams but knew that he needed to work with diligent effort to achieve his dreams. He once remarked that real life occurs between 30 and 60, because the young have their heads in the clouds and the old are filled with regret. I like to think that I have banished regret from my life, but we'll see what I have to say 27 years from now. I think though that as I look at my life a quote of his from a speech at the Sorbonne is one I have tried to keep ever present in my mind, "It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."

As I look back on the past 33 years I do it with a fond reverence for each and every moment that has made me the man I am today: the failures much more so than the wins; the depths of despair that allow me to now appreciate the resplendent rapture of happiness; the constant struggle to find my way. Never did I feel there was a path before me. Each and every time that I chose to set out on a course it seemed to lead me to ruin, but when I gave up on the life I wanted to have, and opened myself to the course the universe has set out before me, then I have found success, happiness and joy.

If there is anything that I can impart to Liam it is this: Do your Duty. You have a duty to your family, to your community, to your country, and to yourself. It is the idea of Dharma, the Indian concept of a virtuous path that needs to be the guidepost. It's a lesson that I saw in the Star Wars movies, that was cultivated in me through Scouting and a youth filled with volunteering, and ultimately laid a foundation for wanting to serve in a meaningful way as an adult. My duty has led me to the fire service, a trade that has brought me joy as well as quite a great deal of pain over the years. That wasn't the life I planned, but it was the one the universe put in front of me to follow. I didn't grow up wanting to be a fireman. When it was first placed before me I can honestly say that I had to look it over several times and more than once I rejected the call to duty out of a desire to follow the plan I had for myself. Somehow though I never turned my back; I kept one foot in this life, and I was fortunate to have the chance to grow, stumble, and finally find my way. I have no idea where that path it is leading me in the fire service. I hope that I am being a dutiful servant of the cause along the way. I know that there are amazing challenges ahead and amazing rewards to be had personally, professionally, and spiritually as I continue on. I am thankful everyday to have this chance to grow and to serve a purpose. It's amazing what happens when you surrender to your nature; if you open your eyes, and quiet the mind, you manage to find your bliss.

That sense of Duty fills my experience. I oftentimes chose to behave certain ways out of a sense of duty, an obligation. For example, when my wife and I were first dating we talked about a sense of obligation to care for our parents, now and as they grow older. We recognized in each other a trait, an affliction of character, the rendered us nearly incapable of looking out only for ourselves. Aside from knowing that we must meet our obligations, and we do so joyfully because we know that it is part of who we are, we also fulfill our duty in many ways. Being there for our son; performing jobs of service; lending a hand to someone who needs it.

We have a lot going on in our lives right now. Heather is likely having surgery to remove the tumor on her skull-base within the next week. In dealing with this I have come to realize that if you embrace your duty it really is a beautiful expression of love. What else can you call the action of running into a burning building, or diligently working with a first grader to make sure she can read, or having a forty-minute conversation about the attributes of your kids Bakugan? Those are acts of love. In the same way ensuring that the woman you love, who you have chosen, knows that for good or for ill you will stand beside her, ready to fight. The next week will bring many changes in my life. Regardless of the outcome of Heather's surgery, our lives will be different. We expect for the better; being two crusty old-souls though we prepare. That preparation for what to do if things don't go "well" is out of love, out of duty, as well. It would be unimaginable to find yourself suddenly pitched forward into the most emotionally tumultuous time possible, and not have a plan in place.

 

A Gift

Saying goodbye is hard. There is a certain sense each time you say it that it may be your last chance to. My niece June hates to say goodbye. When it's time for anyone to leave she just ignores every attempt to get her to say goodbye. It's as if she senses that by not saying goodbye the moment, her reality hasn't ended. I understand that better now than I ever have.

Heather and I are getting ready for the fight of her life. We are looking her surgery in the eye and have to confront all the issues that go with it. There are the logistical issues of time off work and post-operative care, wills and power-of-attorney forms, bills and insurance paperwork. Then there are the far more challenging issues: are you going to be an organ donor, or donate your body to science; if you have a stroke and they say you're "brain dead" do you want to be left on a ventilator; what songs do you want played at your wake?

It is some heavy lifting emotionally. I will say this though, Cancer is a gift. Those words, that sentiment, is not some original thought of mine, or even my turn of a phrase, but it remains true none the less. Since the day Heather and I met I have felt that her experience with cancer formed for her an understanding of what matters in this world; an understanding we share because of my personal quest to look death in the eye everyday and let the specter of death know it does not worry me.

Cancer is a gift that liberates the patient and the caregiver to recklessly abandon worrying about the petty and petulant. You give yourself permission to say, "Fuck it" to all of the little silly bullshit trials and tribulations of daily life that we frail humans become so easily wrapped up in. Not to say that we don't get annoyed with one another because of the same mundane things that everyone else does, we do. I think when you live every day with the understanding that you don't know how many days you have left, how many birthdays or Christmases, or Mondays, if you really embrace the beauty of it you see that it is a wonderfully crisp sense of life. The meaning of life is the experience of being alive, and the gift of staring at death is that it reminds you to embrace being alive.

A New Direction

I've used this blog very sparsely since starting it.  Up till this point, I intended for it to be dedicated to my thoughts on the Fire Service and my passion for the way of the Fire Service Warrior.  Today I am shifting directions though.  I am a fireman, but I also consider myself to be a philosopher of sorts, and a spiritualist.  This blog is about me, about my journey and about all that makes up who I am.  It is about the fire service, about warriorship, about the discovery of self and the process of becoming a full and complete person.  No one who was to sit and talk with me would ever think that I am "only" a fireman.  The whole of me is comprised of many facets, and I hope by sharing those facets I may open someone's eyes to an idea that they may have not yet experienced.  If nothing else I hope to capture here the thoughts that I have penned over the years and continue to write. 

One of the gifts of my chosen career is the awareness that any given day could be the last I walk this earth.  I've buried friends, and read all too often about the passing of brothers along my path.  I would hate for what has literally been my life's work to be lost because of laziness on my part.  Maybe, this may exist for one reason only, to ensure that my son will one day be able to look back and understand more fully who his father was and who he became.  I think that is a worthy mission. 

So I will be posting thoughts, ideas, and writing from the past as well as things I am writing now, with a certain amount of editing so that my voice is coherent for today.