Embrace the Darkness

"...Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." – Stephen King

I wrote the other day of the problem that so many have when attempting to reconcile our instinctual nature with the moral systems of organized religions. My belief is that in everything we do, choice is the deciding factor.

The First Credo in my Philosophical approach is:

One must acknowledge his animalistic feelings are healthy and acceptable. It is the choices you make in acting upon those feelings by which you will be judged.

Choice is the single most important factor in evaluating the actions of an individual. One of the greatest gifts that we possess as humans is the ability, and the inherent right, to choose. It is a very simple concept. You get to make a choice, every day and for every situation, deciding how you will respond to the world around you.

This leads us to the Second Credo:

Your actions and emotional responses to thoughts, or events are a choice.

The choices you make, in response to events that impact you, or the way you are treated are 100% with in your control. You can choose to relinquish control over your thoughts and your emotions by allowing yourself to react to the things that others do or say, but that is a choice. Rather than react we as individuals need to respond to the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" in a thoughtful and constructive manner.

At some point in each of our lives we have heard a friend, lover, parent or partner say, "You make me feel (fill in emotion)!" We each have probably said it ourselves. The reality is that no one can make us, nor can we make anyone else, feel a particular emotion. I can MAKE you feel pain if I pick up a baseball bat and hit you in the head. I can't make you feel worthless as a person. You choose to feel hurt or sad or worthless based upon the credence you give the words and actions of someone else. You relinquish a tremendous amount of personal power when you allow others to hold sway over you like that.

Of course, individuals are capable of saying things that are triggers for our personal hurts or insecurities. If my partner says, "You're a terrible father" I may begin to question my abilities as a parent. I may doubt the way in which I am raising my son. However that person hasn't made me feel like a bad father, they have simply said something which has flipped the on switch for one of my insecurities. I have chosen to react to by doubting myself. How can I respond though in a more effective, and beneficial way?

I don't react to the emotion of the moment; I pause, I consider and I respond in a thoughtful and emotionally neutral way. I may ask, "Why do you think I'm a terrible father." I may believe that the real issue is not my parenting because of my clear understanding of myself and instead ask, "Saying I'm a terrible father is mean spirited, are you trying to hurt me? Why?" Either of these responses keeps me from being wrapped up in the emotional assault and attempt to get to the heart of the matter. At other times I have found silence to be the best option. Just ignore the other person's silly bull-shit. The idea is that you are in control of you. You can choose to not be bothered.

Some people may be thinking as the read this, "Well that sounds good, but my partner is always being mean." Okay, why do you choose to stay with him or her then? It is your choice. Even if someone is holding a loaded weapon to your head and threatening to kill you if you do not do (fill in the blank), it is your choice. You may not like the options in front of you, but in all but the rarest of circumstances you have a choice. You are choosing to stay in a relationship with someone who is insensitive, mean spirited or just a jerk. Why? Well, usually we stay in unhealthy or emotionally damaging relationships because we do not feel worthy of the healthy alternative. We may say, "She's a bitch, I deserve better" or "God, he's just an idiot," but we have the ability to end that relationship. We choose not to. Why is it that we do not readily acknowledge our right to choose when it comes to "I have to…" or "You make me feel…"? I believe that there are two main reasons.

First, it is easier to blame someone else for our failing than to examine how we are culpable. We don't want to be responsible; we don't want to get in trouble. Think of the child who runs after unintentionally breaking a window. He is trying to avoid the pain that comes with being culpable for his actions. In dealing with our actions as adults it is less painful to blame our failings or misdeeds on the influence of others than it is to acknowledge our choice. If it is our choice then the buck stops with us. That is a heavy weight to bear and one that requires considerable strength of character and a tremendous amount of self esteem.

Second, most people do not have the knowledge of themselves to be able to truly understand why they make the choices they do. Many people do not own the fractured pieces of their self, of their subconscious which bring about the emotions that serve as the triggers for thoughts and actions. You must know yourself to be the best possible you. To own your self often means delving into the painful, darker corners of our experience and our soul to understand why we think and feel the things we do. You must find the shadow self, the occulted aspects of yourself that are so difficult, so painful, that you hide them from yourself.  This is hard; it is challenging and often requires the help of trained counselors, coaches or therapists in order to provide perspective and a safety net during the discovery. It must be done though in order for us to progress

So, in order for us to be able to fulfill the Second Credo:

Your actions and emotional responses to thoughts or events are a choice.

We must develop the skills to own our choices by owning "who" we are and how we have become that person. Some of those choices we made long before we could understand that we had a choice: events of our childhood, good or bad, that helped shape the foundation of the adults we have become. You have a choice how you will respond to those things in the now. Will you continue to react as though you have no choice?

We must accept our culpability for the choices we make and the impact that our behaviors can have on others. The only way to develop the strength of spirit and sense of self worth needed to acknowledge one's responsibility and culpability is through knowing oneself. This brings us to the Third Credo. They are not my words, but a quote that I live my life by:

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious." – Carl G. Jung

There is darkness with-in all of us. We have all experienced insults and injuries on the physical, emotional and mental fronts which have left us the scarred and battle weary travelers of life's roads. That is pain we must revel in. That pain, that experience, reminds us that we are alive. Often times I walk along the lake front, down in the surf zone, where the waves break across the shore. I delight in the feeling of the rocks under my bare feet. I know that the pain I was feeling was making my feet stronger. Another analogy is the old-time exercise mantra "No Pain-No Gain". When you are striving to be physically fit you will suffer. The suffering is good. The aches and soreness are signs that muscle is growing, bones are getting denser, and that you're mental toughness is increasing. Remember the Navy SEAL mantra: The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday.

That's the essence of Jung's statement, which I live so much of my life by. We can only grow and become the best people possible by digging inside of ourselves and uncovering the pain. We need to rip away the emotional scabs that are keeping us from getting to the real issues.

I don't think that the Third Credo needs much more elaboration, I believe that it is an understanding that one must find for oneself. Just know, that no matter how much it hurts, or how challenging it is, that you will be a better person. I've spoken so far of three credos:

One must acknowledge his animalistic feelings are healthy and acceptable. It is the choices you make in acting upon those feelings by which you will be judged.

Your actions and emotional responses to thoughts or events are a choice.

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.

Once you really are able to embrace these Credo's, once you have gone down the road of self discovery and self awareness, then you can begin to make the next step.

Life is monstrous.

All life exists by consuming other life, but it is only through knowledge and acceptance of the monstrous nature of life that we can being to accept all that upsets us as natural: war, famine, death… these are all perfectly normal elements of the human condition. Parents watch their children die; children grow up with out knowing the love they need and rightly deserve to help develop them as normal people; we loose family member to conflict or tragedy. These conditions tax each of us to come to grips with a new reality, but the reality is that the randomness, the pain and the challenge are normal.

There is darkness all around us. It can be pervasive at times in our lives. We only truly set ourselves up for failure when we imagine that this darkness is something abnormal, something that "isn't fair." Like Wesley's statement in The Princess Bride, "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says different is selling something."

You must choose to embrace the darkness. By knowing the darkness of your life you can begin the transformative quest of becoming enlightened.