To Absent Friends

February 11th, 1998 my friend Tony Lockhart died when he became disoriented and ran out of air inside a tire shop at 106th and Western Ave. I was there. I got there after the fire had gone to shit and didn’t find out Tony was missing until probably 20 minutes after I got there. I want to say that was about 11:00 p.m. I stayed that night until 2 a.m. or so when they recovered and removed Tony’s body and the body of Pat King, another firemen who died in the same fire. Could Tony or Pat have been saved? Possibly, if the level of training in Firefighter Survival and Rescue that is now widely available had been taught back then.

I know for me Tony’s death served as a focal point of why one must take this job seriously. I can’t say I’ve ever felt “Oh shit, I’m dead,” in the moment of fighting a fire… for me I am so focused on doing what has to be done that there is little “fear”, more a calculating though process. The fear comes afterwards. When you realize that putting your foot through a hole in the floor could have been really bad, or when you think about “What if…”, “What if I hadn’t gotten the hose unkinked?”, “What if those guys hadn’t gotten the windows taken out?”… those are the things that stick with you. Death is something that each of us needs to come to grips with in his own way. For me I have what some would say is a fatalistic attitude… if it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be. I prefer to think of it as old fashioned Stoicism; I do not worry about that which I cannot control.

I just assume that if it’s my day then it won’t matter if I’m crawling down a shitty hallway or that I choke on a piece of broccoli that is how things go. We all die. I don’t even think that Mayor in Brazil who outlawed death can avoid it. It isn’t something to be feared, unless you live your life in fear. If you spend everyday afraid to live life to the fullest, afraid to embrace opportunities, to take chances and to live like you have nothing to loose then you will die scared and full of regret. To borrow a few lines from Jonathan Larson:
“… forget regret, or life is yours to miss… no day but today.”

I love my job. I love what I do and if it is in the grand plan of the Universe that I should fall doing something that I believe is noble and honorable and love then I think that I will have achieved something few people ever do.

That is one of my biggest problems with where the fire service has headed since 9/11. People call the deaths of those 343 brave men tragic. It wasn't tragic, it was honorable. The deaths of the innocent men and women who died in the twin towers, or on Flight 93 were tragic. They had little choice in the events that unfolded. Those brave members of the FDNY on duty that day knew that they were entering a building that could very well kill them. They selflessly, and without any hesitation, climbed those stairwells to engage in a battle to save lives, as the bodies of people trapped above the fire crashed into the streets around them. They saved thousands of people that day, and they died as heroes.

I hope that the work I do, the idea of promoting the culture of the Fire Service Warrior, is a fitting way of honoring Tony, Pat and the thousands of selfless, courageous, and honorable brothers and sisters who have left us too soon. So tonight I will hoist a glass to the memory of Tony, and honor him and my brothers and sisters who have paid the ultimate price.

God Speed, Brother. You are missed.